The Emotionally Available Partner Read online

  Today I gather information about my patterns if I choose to date several potential partners at one time.

  Day 123

  Potential Partners

  I see potential partners as peers, friends and companions.

  Chances are we have had painful interactions with partners in our past. We have made them villains, feared them, or manipulated them. Now, healing our issues leads us to comfort with people. True healing means walking into a room full of potential partners and feeling no fear or compulsion. Healing means no longer having any emotional charge associated with attractive individuals. Obviously, this is a goal on our path. Now we take baby-steps to reach this type of freedom. To do this, we re-conceptualize other people. Examining our personal myths about relating, we look at our perceptions of potential partners. Do we see them as users, as dangerous, as passive, or as cold? Are we positive they will hurt us? Do we feel we must impress them?

  Practice interacting with people shows us if our perceptions are true of all potential partners. Getting out there gives us the chance to see that most individuals are warm, active, safe, and vulnerable. Mingling teaches us that most individuals are wonderful complements to us in life. Today let’s explore the rich wonder of potential partners. We experience freedom when we give ourselves a chance to view people as our peers.

  Today, I re-conceptualize partnership.

  Day 124

  Kissing

  I enjoy kissing if I am so moved.

  “Here’s to kissing just for the sake of kissing.”―Meg Lopez-Cepero

  Many of us were never taught that kissing doesn’t have to lead to anything else. If we want to, we can conceive of kissing as just a little commitment for the moment. Kissing is not a commitment for more physical intimacy. Kissing does not mean we need to move any farther into physical contact; however, we may if the moment feels right.

  Through kissing we figure out if we are attracted to a person. Kissing feels good, unless it doesn’t. After we kiss a person, we know more clearly if we want to explore further physical contact with them. If we kiss someone and decide we are not interested in learning more about their sexual style, we have risked no more than a small exchange of energy. If we decide we want more information about someone’s style, we move forward. Today we know that we are in charge of our own physical progress with a potential partner.

  Today I view kissing as a simple exchange of energy that I am meant to enjoy.

  Day 125

  Horn of Plenty

  I show myself there is more than enough love and there are more than enough potential life-mates.

  There are always new love experiences to be had out in the world. People want to connect with us as much as we want to connect with them. We need to remember that many available, loving people are currently waiting for us now.

  Let’s look at all the wonderful ways to meet them. One way to gather our courage to interact with people in the world is to re-conceptualize socializing as a low-pressure activity. Many social clubs exist which are forums for low-pressure interaction. Sports teams, civic minded organizations, and spiritual or religious communities are excellent places to meet people for conversation and activities.

  Another option is to pursue activities we love, areas we may be waiting to explore until that “someone special” comes into our lives. We do not have to wait. When we take low or no-pressure action to get out into the world, we see the abundance of healthy, warm, loving partners available to us.

  Today I take action to show myself the abundance of potential partners and love on this planet.

  Day 126

  Flirtation

  I flirt for fun.

  Flirtation is the re-awakening of our souls to attraction. Flirtation means to act amorously without having serious intentions. This is something many of us don’t understand. We certainly know how to flirt. We may even be quite good at it; however, the idea of flirtation is that it is a trifle. Flirting is not to be taken seriously. Flirtation is light, fun, and playful.

  A facet of our partnership issues is taking everything to extremes around potential partners. We may see another person as our salvation, rather than a fun dalliance or someone whose company we very much enjoy. Our focus on the outcome, rather than the magic of attraction and joy, makes us wonder what the person who is flirting with us wants. We may sometimes even deny that we are flirting.

  Flirtations do not have to mean anything, though. Flirtation can be anything from dressing a little bit provocatively to batting our eyelashes and briefly touching someone’s arm. Flirting can be double entendres or suggestive comments made in conversation. Whatever shape our flirtations take today, we know it is fun to flirt.

  Today I practice flirting without taking it seriously.

  Day 127

  Courage

  I let a potential partner know how meaningful they are to me.

  “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.”―Anonymous

  Often women in our society are told to keep a potential partner guessing, to be mysterious and unfathomable. Women who struggle with partnership often take this cultural fiction to the extreme. We are so afraid of others that we refuse to tell them they are important to us. Letting someone know how we feel about them can take enormous strength. If we have had difficult experiences with relationships in the past, believe people only respond to women they have to chase, or have been taught never to let anyone know that we care about them, we need all the courage we can muster to tell someone we love them. Whatever the reason, often telling the truth of our feelings takes great courage.

  Trust in a Higher Power, prayer, therapy, or support from a friend gives us the ability to let go of our fear as we tell a potential partner the truth. When we are honest and courageous, we walk the path of true love. We move closer to an emotionally available partner.

  Today, I surrender my fears and courageously tell a person what they mean to me.

  Day 128

  Comfort

  I am comfortable with a person who is eager to be with me.

  “I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”―Groucho Marx

  Millions of reasons exist to deflect the love of someone who eagerly pursues us. When we meet an emotionally available individual, we sometimes think negatively. We think, “They must be really hard up to want me.” We sometimes distrust a person who wants to be with us. We question their motives and look for the tragic flaw that will expose their undesirability. Many times this is sensible because someone may not really be good for us; however, this is often only our low self-esteem talking. Learning to honor our intuition, while distinguishing it from the voice which tells us we are not good enough, is important.

  We are magical, lovely, amazing, wonderful women who deserve a happy, content partner who is utterly in love with us. Healing is about developing a comfort level with appropriate, available people who adore us. By doing this work, we are progressing all the time!

  Today I know that an emotionally available person who is eager to be with me is sane.

  Day 129

  Male and Female Views on Sex

  I understand my sexual style.

  “Most men think they know a women’s whole sexual style after sleeping with her once.”―Rose

  Men and women have very different ideas about what sexual intimacy means. The difference is biological and emotional. As a rule, men are very connected to their sexual selves. Men also physically express their desire externally. Women on the other hand are more often connected to our heart center. We express sexual desire more subtly. The difference explains why the pairing of men and women is so special. Men and women balance each other.

  When we are in relationships or dating, though, the significance of these differences can become important. Men and women most often categorize sex differently. For instance, many men see sex as a basic need that must be fulfilled. Most women see sex as a beautiful love experience.

  Neither men nor women are w
rong about what sex means to them; however, we women need to protect ourselves. If we want to have sex, that is always OK. The choice to wait is appropriate too. Because health concerns are an issue, as is the tendency of some of us to get emotionally involved once we have sex, today we decide what we want and what will work for us.

  Today I make the choice to be sexual or not based on my desires.

  Day 130

  Adult Love

  I let myself love the way a normal adult woman loves.

  No matter what our age, many of us get thrown back to the lover we were when we first began to interact with partners. Now we may feel as awkward as a teenager as we date. Our relational challenges have literally stunted our emotional growth in romantic situations. This can be very frustrating as we heal.

  Today if we feel like an adolescent around potential partners, it is essential to begin to love as an adult woman loves. Visualizing what a lover our age looks like, how she responds to a person, and what she enjoys in connecting with a partner gives us the chance to act our age in relationships. By “acting as if” we were that woman; we utilize our often highly developed skills at playacting for our own benefit. The adult lover in us is compassionate, knowledgeable, free, available, kind, and warm. She is waiting for us to liberate her. She does not play games; instead, she truly cherishes the person in her life.

  Today I “act as if” I were that adult woman—the emotionally adult woman.

  Day 131

  Spring Fever

  I embrace spring fever.

  Spring is the time of year when new growth starts in the ground. Things are starting to get shaken up. The winds begin to blow sweetly. Attractions start to heat up between partners. Love is in the air as the weather becomes warmer, as green shoots grow, and as flowers begin to bloom. As the energy of growth, warmth, and love starts to take root, we often feel spring fever.

  No matter what our partnerships status, this springtime let’s flirt. If we are in a partnership, we can enjoy the sensations of springtime. We can refocus our love, attention, and care on our partner. Spring is the time to strew the bed with flowers. It offers us a chance to play outside with our love in the warm weather. If we are single, spring is a great time to get outside and connect with potential partners. We enjoy watching them. We admire their vitality. As we stand in awe of the joys of desire, we know this is the season to play.

  For this day I let springtime into my heart.

  Day 132

  Beauty

  I see the beauty in men.

  Men are amazing creatures with much love to give, the ability to change and grow, and a true ability to appreciate the feminine. Male beauty comes in many forms: physical, spiritual, and emotional. The physical form of male beauty has been immortalized for centuries. The spiritual beauty of men also shines. It illuminates the male ability to give, to listen, to change, and to grow. Many brave men are exploring their emotions today. Men are figuring themselves out using literature that exists for the emotionally unavailable man, process groups, and interactions with women.

  Every interaction with men that we undertake on the journey to heal our partnership issues gives us the chance to observe the emotional beauty of men. When we hear men share about many of the same emotions we feel, it is comforting to get closer to that vulnerable, softer part of men. Because men are so amazing, we honor them for their beauty—body, mind, and spirit.

  Today I honor men for all the beauty they possess.

  Day 133

  Practicalities

  I consider practicalities as I interact with potential partners.

  On our journey to heal our partnership issues, there are many practicalities to consider as we interact with people. For our own protection, we take precautions when meeting potential partners. We may want to set boundaries for ourselves on a date. We could choose to meet with a person in a public place the first few times we see them or estimate how much time we want to spend with them. Checking in with a trusted friend before and after the date can help. In addition, we could leave ourselves a voicemail message detailing what we think of the individual right after the date.

  Such painstaking practicalities may not be for everyone, yet these are options for getting a fuller picture of how we experience a potential partner. When we do this, we get information without the immediacy of hormones and feelings. Interacting with people when we have a plan gives us detachment. And when we invest in ourselves, we are present.

  Today I get a full picture of a potential partner with the use of effective precautions.

  Day 134

  Ambivalence

  I deal with my ambivalence.

  “Ambivalence is just a placeholder until I decide which direction I want to go.”―Meg Lopez-Cepero

  Ambivalence is characterized by fluctuation between two choices. When we are ambivalent about a person, we experience a simultaneous desire to say or do two different things. Usually we are in the place of ambivalence when we intuitively know which way we want to go, yet do not want to face the facts. For example, if we think a person might be interested in us, sometimes we want to generate a reciprocal interest in them. We want to be attracted to them, but we are uncertain. We move toward them; then we move away. We are only half there. We are not available for the relationship.

  Ambivalence provides a placeholder until we get clear about where we want to go with an individual. Most of the time when we feel ambivalent about a person, that is giving us information that they may not be right for us or that we aren’t comfortable for some reason. Sometimes, though, our ambivalence is motivated by fear. We may feel we are not good enough for someone or we may not feel ready for the responsibility of a relationship. Today we know that ambivalence is telling us something. Now we listen to it with respect.

  Today I let ambivalence teach me about myself.

  Day 135

  Looking for Love

  I notice if I look for love in places where I won’t find an available partner.

  There are many wonderful people who fit the type we need. If we continually find potential partners who don’t satisfy us, the problem could be that we are looking in the wrong places. If we are frequenting establishments or attending events where we will not find who we need, we now fearlessly look at our behavior. Patronizing events and venues where there is a shortage of available people, or where the attendees do not fit our description of an ideal mate, signals that we need to be aware of our issues. It is helpful to probe ourselves with gentle questions to see if we are going to or staying in places where we could never possibly be satisfied with the patrons.

  What most of us forget is that we have power to choose where we spend our time. Since our issues often take the guise of dating people we do not connect with in order to avoid getting close and experiencing real intimacy, it takes courage to find someone who is an equal. Today we know that we are worth the effort.

  Today I go where I need to in order to find a person who is available.

  Day 136

  Connecting

  I embrace connections with people.

  The great myth of “coupledom” in our culture is that connecting with another is the most important thing in life. It does feel good to couple and to be in a couple; however, being single is good and valid as well. Connection takes courage. We may not be ready to couple at this moment for a variety of reasons. We may not want to.

  Being a member of a couple is a wonderful place to be, but being single does not prohibit us from connecting with people. There are many relationships we can have with people that will illuminate our healing process. Today we have the option of playing on a team with other people, working on a project with potential partners, enjoying the presence of co-workers at our staff meeting, or connecting with dear friends. Privileging connection with a person on a partnership level can stunt our growth. Today we embrace all connections with people, not just partnerships.

  Today I am connected with another.

  Day 137


  How an Individual Treats Others

  I gather information as I observe a potential partner interacting with other people.

  A potential partner will generally treat us the same way that they treat other people. Now when we date someone, we notice how they treat their friends, our friends, or colleagues of ours. It is common knowledge that a person’s behavior toward service workers is important; noticing how an individual interacts with other people is also significant.

  Whenever we see our partner interact with our peers, we pay special attention. Do they share appropriately with them? Are they attentive, respectful, courteous, and honest whether the people are co-workers, friends, “ex”-partners, older or younger? Do they flirt with or hit on others? Noticing the interactions of a potential partner around other people provides concrete information which helps us move forward. Then we are free to choose an emotionally available individual.

  Today I notice how a person treats other people.

  Day 138

  Flirting

  I flirt with potential partners I find attractive.

  There is no harm in flirting. It is fun and good for the soul. Women facing our own partnership issues often put too much emphasis on flirting, though. We sometimes take flirtations very seriously. If an undesirable person flirts with us, we may become convinced that they want a relationship. Then we run away from them. If a desirable person flirts with us, we may think that they want a relationship with us. Then we are disappointed when no partnership materializes.

  Many results can occur if we have taken flirting too seriously in any way. Today we may be out of practice in flirting, we may believe we can’t do it, or we may find it too frightening. Flirting feels good, though. It is a free, harmless, enjoyable pleasure. Today is the time to flex our flirting muscles, if we feel so inclined.