The Emotionally Available Partner Read online

  Today I know that I deserve love.

  Day 75

  Acting Out

  I get a chance to learn about myself whenever I act out.

  Let’s face it, change is scary. If we do something that doesn’t meet our own standards, chances are that we are in good company. Whenever we act out, that is usually a good indication that we are in an uncomfortable position or are experiencing a feeling we can’t deal with. Emotional behavior is normal as we heal our partnership issues, and even necessary. It may not feel good in the moment; however, it means that we are changing.

  As we heal, we learn that “less-than-nurturing” behavior is actually a positive experience. We learn from the experience with humility, acceptance, self-love, and a desire to do better next time. If the process is not always smooth, all we need to do is love ourselves. Looking more closely at our behavior and remembering that we are not alone helps us see that our acting out has a precious message for us. We get to experience how painful it is to “act out.” Then we can change our behavior. No matter what we do, the words “I’m sorry” are very healing when accompanied by a sincere change in behavior. Today we learn from our actions as we heal our partnership issues.

  If I find myself acting out today, I learn from it.

  Day 76

  Focus

  I refocus my course today.

  There are times when we will get off course in this journey. Painful world events, boredom, loneliness, and desire can all serve to hook us into someone who can not be what we need. At these times, it is essential to stop and get clarity about our true goals for a relationship. When life becomes too much and our direction becomes hazy, the desire to connect with an unavailable person may become incredibly strong. In these moments, we must refocus on our true desire, which is to heal.

  If we feel we are getting shaky, distracted, or off the beam, today we get centered once again. Fun, friends, a support group, therapy, meditation, dance, art, writing, and prayer are all tools to help us get back on track. Now we know that we are worth the effort!

  Today I support myself if I notice I am veering off course toward a person who cannot give me what I need.

  Day 77

  Compassion

  I develop compassion for myself.

  Feelings are very scary for many of us. Growing up, we may not have seen adults who were able to handle and process their emotions. If this was the case, we deduced that feelings were too scary to face. In a variety of ways, we learned to escape from our feelings.

  Being in relationship with unavailable people seems like a great escape. Then the risk of truly getting close and getting hurt is impossible. Today, however, our protection from getting hurt is stifling us. Now we clearly understand the reasons why we needed to escape our feelings.

  With great courage, we release our old protections. Then we develop compassion for ourselves which helps us overcome our relationship challenges. Compassion comes from understanding all of our lives: childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. As we practice compassion for all the experiences that have made us who we are today, we spontaneously respond to ourselves in order to heal our partnership issues.

  Today I view myself with love.

  Day 78

  Female Sexuality

  I honor and trust my own sexuality and femininity.

  Women’s sexuality has been villainized for centuries. Starting with the story of Adam and Eve, temptation has done us in. Being a sexual woman in our culture still raises taboos, even in this new millennium. Today we know that part of healing means reclaiming our own sexuality and femininity. We do this by honoring our sexuality, even if our relationships with sex have been tangled. Allowing our own bodies, minds, and souls to direct our sexual activity teaches us that our sexuality is magical, good, pure, and profound.

  Obviously we do not want to expose ourselves to disease. We also may not want to have sex indiscriminately; however, we can have sex any time we want to. It is always OK to have sex when the time is right. If we want to wait, that is a great method of letting our Self signal when we feel comfortable having sex. Getting to know a potential partner gives us the added bonus of feeling our own desire for them mount. Whatever avenue we take with another person today, everything we do is acceptable. We honor ourselves by reclaiming our sexuality.

  Today I love and honor my sexuality.

  Day 79

  Emotional Hangovers

  I take care of myself whenever I experience an emotional hangover.

  Emotional hangovers do not feel good. They lead to aches and pains in the body, lack of focus in other areas of our lives, and emotional depression. Whenever we act inappropriately or with less skill than we would like in the relationship arena, we may experience a hangover. Emotional hangovers hurt. We tend to blame ourselves. We mull over the problem again and again.

  There are many situations that crop up on this journey that may lead to an emotional hangover: relationships that aren’t working, interactions with people that remind us of our early love experiences, seeing our ineffective patterns clearly in our behavior, being rejected, being pursued, or feeling old wounds pop up.

  The cure for any hangover is always the same. To recover from an emotional hangover, we wait it out, note that we feel bad, and know that it will pass. Eventually we experience freedom when we move on to people and behaviors that do not lead us to emotional hangovers.

  Today I abstain from behaviors and from people that leave me with an emotional hangover.

  Day 80

  Adequacy

  I am already good enough to sustain a wonderful relationship.

  Sometimes we are hard on ourselves. Women mostly believe that if we just work harder, do more, and act right, then we will someday be good enough for a great relationship. In truth we don’t have to work so hard to be loved and valued. There is a wonderful partner inside of us who already knows how to love ourselves and another person well. This internal partner is waiting patiently for us to believe we can give love successfully.

  Our healing process gets us closer to the being within us who knows how to love. We do this by shedding all the behaviors we have gathered in fear and panic, and from various cultural and parental sources, throughout our lifetimes. We practice interacting with potential partners, we check in with our feelings when we are with an individual, we determine who feels good to us, and we figure out what qualities are essential for us in a life-mate. Then we access the partner we are seeking; she is inside of us patiently waiting for us to free her. Now by giving our Self a chance to love, we love every part of ourselves.

  Today I know that I am adequate to maintain a loving relationship.

  Day 81

  Whatever It Takes

  I do whatever it takes to give myself who and what I really need.

  Self-care is the part of adulthood that is so appealing. We have power available to us to take care of ourselves today. Whatever our partnership status, we do all the necessary footwork to get where we want to go. No matter what our relationship situation, we now do whatever it takes to give ourselves who we want.

  Any status around partnership allows us to explore how a person can meet our needs. When we are in a partnership, we get concrete experience in what works for us with a person, we practice asking for what we need, and we experience the day to day process of relating. Being single also makes it very opportune to give to ourselves. We use dating and interactions with a variety of people as a good way to figure out what qualities we need in a partner, what types of individuals work for us, and to practice loving ourselves unconditionally. We are important and deserve to indulge in self-care.

  Today I go to any lengths to meet my own needs.

  Day 82

  Laughter

  I laugh to heal myself.

  “Laughter is the only medicine with no negative side effects.”―Anonymous

  Laughter feels good. It connects us to that loving, playful child within us. When we are healing, it can be hard to la
ugh. Having fun can be challenging. As we heal, we often realize that it may have been a long time since we laughed out loud. This happens because we are so focused on getting better.

  Today we know that we can do something to make ourselves laugh. Whether we see a silly movie, host a games night party at our house, or go to the comedy club, getting ourselves laughing is balm to our spirit as we work through our partnership issues. The pay off is a release from the seriousness that keeps us stuck. Then we are able to have fun with an emotionally available partner.

  Today I laugh with pleasure at the sheer joy of life.

  Day 83

  Support

  I support myself as I learn from my mistakes.

  Everyone makes mistakes. That is just part of life. Mistakes are usually food for regret; however, regret is a slippery place for us. Now if we are open to learning from our mistakes, we see that mistakes aren’t “bad.” In fact, mistakes actually have the magical power to teach us lessons.

  We want to be healed, or we wouldn’t be reading this book. For this reason, today we look at our “mistakes” as learning experiences. With self-support, we experience the hurt our “mistakes” have caused us. Then, when we have the information that something doesn’t work for us, we change. Healing is about information not judgment. Now we no longer judge ourselves. We know that reframing “mistakes” is the most compassionate way to support ourselves. Today we respect and learn from our “mistakes.”

  I honor myself and my “mistakes” today.

  Day 84

  Self-Care

  I ask myself what I need and what do I can do for myself.

  Questioning ourselves gently about what we need assumes that we can answer. Then we are able to act lovingly to take care of ourselves. Often we think in extremes, though. We think that someone else will provide the fairy tale for us or that no one will ever give anything to us. We think, “What’s the point in asking?”

  The process of reclaiming the natural lover inside of us means that we become our own loving partner. Today we develop the skills to use all our magnificent power to fulfill our needs and desires. First, we ask ourselves what we need. Next, we respond by focusing on our needs. Slowly and magically, with consistent practice, we then are able to share our needs with a person. With daily experience, we get our needs met.

  Today I possess excellent self-care skills. I gently ask myself what I need.

  Day 85

  Self-Treatment

  I treat myself with love, care, and attention.

  Our partnership issues have often inhibited us from treating ourselves well; however, we are now learning that good self-treatment feels wonderful. We see the evidence that meeting all our needs as soon as humanly possible reaps real rewards. Our excellent self-care skills help us to love, care for, and pay attention to ourselves as well as to a partner. Getting better acquainted with our needs and learning to lovingly respond to ourselves, we have less need for a partner and more ability to accept love.

  Ultimately our relationships have a real chance for growth and sustenance now. Today we eagerly practice self-love and good self-treatment in order to give ourselves the gift of an emotionally available partner.

  Today I treat myself well knowing I can treat another person equally as well.

  Day 86

  Giving

  I give myself exactly who and what I want.

  Our fears pop up when we have faith only in ourselves. We are frightened when we find we are incapable of manifesting an emotionally available person; however, the good news is that the universe wants to give us who we need. Even though we don’t have the power to manifest our ideal mate, an emotionally available person is out there waiting for us.

  Right now we can be around those who are ideal for us. We deserve to be with the people we want. If we decide we like professional individuals, then we join a professional society to attend lectures and social events. If we become aware that we like sporting people, we explore recreational activities. If we like artists, we explore our own creativity through classes or creative pursuits. It is important to remember that as women we have choices about those we spend our time with. Now we give ourselves exactly who and what we need, whenever we need it.

  Obviously we need someone else’s permission for this, yet we indulge ourselves to the extent that it is possible. Even if giving ourselves the person we need takes the shape of going to see a play or movie with our favorite actor, we are getting closer to that person in real life by examining who and what we want in a partner.

  Today I indulge myself by surrounding myself with those I enjoy.

  Day 87

  Compliments

  I take in a person’s compliments.

  Women healing our fears of partnership often have a hard time believing it when someone appreciates us. We are often tempted to think, “What is wrong with them?” Or we may wonder why they didn’t also include all our other wonderful characteristics in their compliment. It may seem as if a person can do nothing right around us with compliments. This is usually a persistent signal that we are stuck. To say, “No, I’m not really that attractive, talented, special, or accomplished” or “I am the best,” makes a person wonder.

  A compliment is a gift from another person. Today we choose to let that gift in rather than rejecting it. Even if it is hard to hear a compliment, saying “Thank you” when someone compliments us is a sufficient response. We do not need to immediately compliment them back. Instead let’s actually cherish the gift of a compliment. Let’s allow it to feed our souls.

  Today I love to be showered with compliments.

  Day 88

  Security

  I am secure in my love.

  Although security feels good, consistency and stability were often missing from our past relationships. We rarely felt safe and secure because of our fears. Our choice of unavailable people made our lives unstable, too. Chances are that now as we heal our fears of partnership, we envision love as void of security. We may be terrified to form warm, tender, affectionate personal attachments today.

  Love itself is the antidote to fear, though. Now we cultivate freedom from danger in our lives. We begin by loving ourselves and keeping ourselves safe. Now whether we set boundaries or take a self-defense class, we realize we are precious. We do whatever it takes to keep ourselves safe. Getting grounded in the love we have for ourselves then creates a self-assurance that guarantees us safety. With time and practice, that self-love extends—it grows into the ability to truly give love to others. Now we love because we know that what we give, we get back.

  Today I safely love with tenderness and affection.

  Day 89

  Showing Up

  I show up for myself over and over.

  “Whatever it takes” is the motto of women committed to choosing an emotionally available partner. Some of us will progress quickly in certain areas, yet find that our process is challenged in other places. For example, we may become good at connecting with our feelings, but continue to obsess on unavailable people. Others of us may find that we are easily attracted to available people; however, we experience real difficulty in sharing intimately with our partner once we are in a relationship.

  Whatever challenges we face, trust the process. The journey can be long. This is because it takes practice and patience to learn and implement new behaviors. Even though we may get discouraged, we are excellent at not giving up. We will heal. The progress may even happen quickly! As long as we persevere and trust in all our self-growth, our work pays off. The relationship issues may even become less important as we enjoy the true love of being available to ourselves.

  Today I show up for myself. I know that I am on this path for as long as it takes.

  Day 90

  Status

  I love myself no matter what my status.

  Married, single, in a relationship, or not; we love ourselves no matter what. The status symbol of being with a partner is almost a cultural obsession today. The re
lationship status quo makes it easy for us to feel “less than” whenever we are not in a relationship. We may wonder when it will happen for us. We are tempted to believe that finding the “right” person will mean that the struggle is over.

  For many of us, our focus needs to be directed inward not outward. Self-love is what we are really searching for. It is wonderful to be loved and appreciated by another person; however, the true gift of love is profoundly loving and accepting ourselves right now.

  For the next 24 hours, I know that my status depends on how much I love myself.

  Chapter Summary:

  Self-love and self-care feel good. When you shower yourself with love and good treatment, you learn that you deserve. Then when you meet a potential partner who treats you poorly, you don’t get “hooked” on them. Your radar has changed. You are attracted to more emotionally present people.

  At this point, you are more used to being loved well. Emotionally available partners are starting to look more interesting. This is a process, though. It takes time. You have been hurting for a while now in relationships. To heal, you must consistently practice self-care to let kind people in. If you find you are still attracted to emotionally unavailable people, this is normal. At this stage, all you need to do is persevere.

  Right now, choose 3 self-care behaviors from this chapter that you can do each week. Write a list of 10 activities you find pleasurable. Pick 1 item from your list to try out. Schedule some time for fun. You are worth all the work this takes.

  The next chapter on building your confidence will take a lot of courage, so having fun sets the foundation for the next powerful step. Now you are ready for some magic tools that will help you kiss the unavailable type goodbye forever!

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