The Emotionally Available Partner Page 4

  For the next twenty-four hours, I sidestep all extremes.

  Day 42

  Acknowledgement

  I acknowledge my fear of partnership each step of the way.

  In order to heal, we need to acknowledge our fear of partnership each step of the way. We often have an unconscious fear of relating intimately. Relationships with unavailable people have hurt and confused us deeply. Chances are that we feel jaded or hopeless by the time we read this book.

  On a deep level we also know that being with a partner means work, being seen, and showing another person that we are not perfect. This makes taking our part in the emotionally painful relationships we have had challenging. However, only by facing the truth do we have the chance to acknowledge our fears, do the necessary footwork to release these old worries, and love ourselves at the same time.

  Today I am willing to walk through my fear with self-awareness and compassion.

  Day 43

  Old Tapes

  I understand all the tapes I have lived with my entire life.

  Old tapes play over and over in our lives. We may be unaware of how much we are controlled by these recordings. They tell us how to do relationships, what people are legal for us to be involved with, who we are as a partner, and what we should expect of a life-mate.

  Unfortunately, many of these old tapes are completely out of date. While it may be true that the old tape protected us in the past, this self-protection no longer works. We are not a child or a teenager anymore. Now when we get quiet enough to hear the tape playing, we have the chance to understand the messages. The freedom to let old messages go and record new ones comes from understanding how the old tapes functioned in our lives. At one time, they were necessary, but they are no longer needed. The information is no longer applicable.

  Today, thanking what kept us safe in the past, we decide that we need healthier messages. By releasing the old recordings, we move on to a wonderful, available partner.

  Today I comprehend the messages of my old tapes, and I record over them.

  Day 44

  Obsessive/Compulsive

  I ask myself what I am feeling whenever I obsess, worry, or act compulsively.

  Beating ourselves up, worrying about aging, diving into self-hatred, and engaging in other compulsive habits are all distractions to keep us from looking at our feelings. Learning to recognize the movement into obsession of any kind helps us see the purpose of our coping mechanisms.

  Being emotionally shaky is actually a beacon that something is surfacing in us. When we act out, we are either having an uncomfortable feeling or are in an uncomfortable situation. Actually obsession is our friend. Training ourselves to notice a movement into worry, compulsion, or obsession as a call from our deepest power helps us. Often we find that our movement into obsessive/compulsive thoughts makes perfect sense. We use worry to distract ourselves if situations or feelings are too intense.

  Today we know that when our healing process sends us strongly back to compulsive behaviors we thought we had put to rest, we can get the appropriate professional help we need. Now no matter what pops up, we know we are on our way. We are going to make it!

  Today I consider a movement into worry, compulsion, or obsession as a call from my deepest power.

  Day 45

  This Special Day

  I dedicate this special day to the sacred purpose of getting to know myself.

  Valentine’s Day originated as a marker of the day in February that the birds began to pair. As time passed, the day began to be seen as specially consecrated to lovers. It became a sacred occasion for writing passionate letters and sending tokens of love to the object of affection.

  Today Valentine’s Day can bring up many emotions for women; it’s a pretty “loaded” holiday. If we are in a relationship, we may have expectations of what should happen, we may want things to go our way, we may get disappointed, sulk, or pout with our partner. If we are single, we may feel alone, doomed, and hurt; or we may desperately search for a date. No matter what situation we are in, Valentine’s Day can stir up a mixture of feelings. It can trigger many of us.

  This year on Valentine’s Day we know we are presented with an opportunity to truly consecrate our love. If we are in a partnership on Valentine’s Day, we make it special for our partner and for ourselves by taking in a play or giving each other a massage. If we are single, we plan some extraordinary simple pleasure like dinner with friends or relaxing in a luxurious bubble bath with a good book. No matter what appeals to us this Valentine’s Day or what our status around partnership, we love ourselves. We are amazing, miraculous creations who are to be honored.

  This year I am my own valentine.

  Day 46

  Pursuing People

  I discover my natural desires in pursuing others.

  We get conflicting information about pursuing people. Women’s magazines and national bestsellers tell us never to pursue someone. In fact, to spur on someone’s interest we are told to pretend to be uninterested or that we are being pursued by a whole slew of people. We often can’t “make heads or tails” of all the conflicting messages. Some people assert that they enjoy being pursued by a woman because it takes the pressure off; others say they are turned off by women who pursue them.

  The question we forget to ask ourselves is what we want to do as we interact with potential partners. The truth is that each individual person is unique in their tastes and will respond accordingly. The person who is right for us, and who is right for our relationship style, is out there waiting for us. We only need one good person. If we nurture the wonderful partner inside of us who knows whether she wants to gently pursue an individual, to flirt with them, or to wait for someone to pursue her, then we attract an available life-mate.

  Today I decide if I want to pursue a person.

  Day 47

  Essence

  I show safe people my essence.

  Our essential nature is special and amazing. Unfortunately, we often lead such hectic lives that we aren’t in touch with this basic, real part of ourselves. Reconnecting with the wonder of ourselves without fear is a major component of choosing an emotionally available partner. There are many ways to detach from the busyness of the world and explore our essence. Therapy, meditation, writing, inner child work, spiritual seeking, art, dance, and chanting are all great options for getting centered.

  Whatever avenue we take, we get closer to true love when we get to know ourselves in all of our abundance. By getting quiet and centered, taking the time to explore who and what we are, discovering what we enjoy, and figuring out where we want to go, we find that we are each a treasure. We realize that we deserve to share ourselves with someone who is appropriate for us. Today we know that reconnecting with our own true substance moves us toward the final stage—sharing our Self with a person that we love.

  I open myself to my true nature today.

  Day 48

  Me

  I am clear about who I am.

  “I am a great catch.”―Anne

  Getting to know ourselves is the great gift of healing. That is why our partnership issues are so persistent. A deep magical place inside of us is trying to get our attention to uncover our own magnificence. Being clear about who we are then extends to what we want in a partner, what types of people fit well in our lives, what our dreams and goals are, and what we have to give back to the world. Taking into account areas in which we excel, and other places where we may need a little fine-tuning, characterizes self-clarity.

  Knowledge opens the door to acceptance, and acceptance leads to love. Healing our partnership issues will not hurt us. It will take us on a wonderful journey to honor ourselves.

  Today I love the fact that I know who I am.

  Day 49

  Success

  I am a success.

  “If you knew you would succeed, what would you do?”―Anonymous

  Too often those of us healing our issues connect success with marriage and p
artnership. We are taught in our culture that “snagging that partner” will make us successful. Success is so much more than a ring on our finger, though. Success means getting up in the morning and lovingly taking care of ourselves throughout our day. Success is doing meaningful work that fills our souls and that is helpful to others. Success is being creative.

  Marriage and partnership are wonderful; however, these goals may hinder us as we progress in our healing. The reason for this is that we are focusing on a goal that is lauded by society. Today let’s examine what true success means to us. Let’s note all the ways we are successful right now. With a complete willingness to go to any lengths to heal our partnership issues, we then create a list of dreams we want to successfully accomplish.

  Today I see how successful I am.

  Day 50

  A Partner

  I know what I need in a partner.

  Chances are we know exactly what we need in a partner; however, we may believe that a person with these qualities does not exist or wouldn’t choose us. This is why we are willing to “sacrifice.” When we face this dilemma, concrete evidence of our needs supports our healing. We get the facts by writing a list of all the characteristics we want and need in a partner. Then when we connect with a potential partner we take out our list to gently keep us honest. The list reminds us of what we need and what we deserve in a life-mate. It helps us when we may be sliding into relationship with an unavailable person.

  No one will meet every one of our listed criteria all the time, yet we can trust that there are many stellar people available out there in the world. In fact, one amazing person is waiting for each of us. When we see on paper what we need in a partner and begin to choose individuals who meet most or all of our qualifications, we express and develop these wonderful qualities in ourselves, too. Like attracts like. By being the partner we need, we are attracting an emotionally available partner into our lives.

  Today I open myself to awareness of what qualities I need in a life-mate.

  Day 51

  My Part

  I look at my part in what I do for me.

  “What brings you joy?”―Lydia Yinger

  Being hard on ourselves, criticizing ourselves, and cutting ourselves no slack are outdated behaviors. We do many wonderful things for ourselves each day. We nourish ourselves with good foods and beverages, we work on our career development, spiritual growth, and physical fitness, and we stimulate our minds with intellectual and cultural pursuits.

  Many of us expect a partner to fill in the crevices of our lives; however, we may actually be more fulfilled than we think. Resolving our partnership issues encourages us to reclaim what we love in this life, what brings us joy, what we like to do, and who we like to spend our time with. Whether it is creative pursuits like music, painting, or dance; recreational activities like hiking in nature, camping, or mountain climbing; or community involvements such as volunteering, today we make a list of all the nurturing things we do for ourselves. A person gets treated to all that we are when we come into a relationship with them; they are not our source!

  Today I reclaim what I love about life. I indulge in what brings me joy.

  Day 52

  Messages

  I hear the message I am sending myself.

  We usually have been trying to get our own attention for a lifetime. Denial, fear, and society’s messages have often obscured our internal knowledge of who we need; however, the message is strong and repeats itself over and over. Deep down we know what we need in a partner.

  Paying attention to our own messages is always our antidote to dysfunctional and unfulfilling relationships. Do we enjoy intellectuals, but date athletes instead? Do we yearn for artists, yet only tend to meet business people? Do we feel comfortable with older individuals, yet feel we “should” date people our own age? Today we explore what qualities, interests, and values attract us to a person. Now we really listen to our own messages, for deep down we know who we need.

  Today I listen to myself. I hear the message I repeatedly send myself.

  Day 53

  Gratification

  I ask myself what kind of person will most satisfy me in this moment.

  Partners are satisfying. People can satisfy us on physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual levels. It feels good to be with someone who gives to us. In order to figure out whom we will feel satisfied by in any given moment, we must figure out what we need. Asking how we feel helps. Do we need to be held? If so, we ask a nice cuddly person to give us a hug. Do we feel emotionally shaky? If the answer is “yes,” then we ask an intuitive and loving individual to hear us as we share our feelings. Do we need a spiritual tune-up? If that is the case, we talk to a priest, rabbi, or another spiritual advisor.

  Often our partner can meet our needs. If they can’t, though, or if we are single, it is OK to get our needs met from other safe people in our lives. Obviously we do not want to make our partner jealous, yet to the extent that it is possible we get satisfied by people today.

  I get what I need today.

  Day 54

  My Role

  I understand my role in my own life.

  Women have been told what our role is consistently throughout our lives. We have been daughters, students, girlfriends, mothers, caretakers, workers, and employers.

  Today we expand our definition of ourselves and take into account what our purpose is in our own lives. Much of our issue is about waiting for someone to define, illuminate, and fulfill us. Today we know that we are our own companion. We love ourselves unconditionally, are full of self-trust, and are the catalyst that sees to it that we have every opportunity to reach our own goals. We are our own teacher, healer, lover, parent, child, and employer. We don’t need a partner any more; we choose to have an individual share our magnificence.

  Today I decide what my role is in my own life.

  Day 55

  Listening

  I listen to myself when I am upset.

  When we hurt, it is almost second nature to run from the pain. We either run into a relationship with an unavailable person, into obsession, or into some other compulsive behavior.

  Now when we get upset, we have the opportunity to truly connect within. We get to love ourselves through the experience; however, listening to our feelings can be uncomfortable at first. It may be challenging if we were never taught to go through our feelings without trying to change our emotional state or run from the feelings.

  As we steadily heal our partnership issues, we learn that feelings do pass. As we take each opportunity to show ourselves our own love, we get to know our true selves. That is a beautiful thing.

  Today I just “be” with myself when I am hurting.

  Day 56

  Wanting Someone So Badly

  I look at my reasons for wanting another person so badly.

  Every person on this planet, man and woman, has wanted someone badly and lost out. We are not alone. Wanting someone badly is the experience of many women. When we are in this situation, we wonder why they don’t want us, we compare ourselves to the people they seem to admire, and we wonder what is wrong with us.

  Often the problem is that we know very little about a person we badly want. The one we want is merely a projection that we have concocted out of scraps of information. Whenever we experience wanting a person so much, now we stay with ourselves. We ask, “What is it that this person has? What hooks me in to them so strongly? What do I admire in them and feel that I am lacking somewhere?” When we get some clarity about what is going on inside of us, we examine if there is any way we can begin to become more like them.

  This process is about remembering that we are special and amazing, just like everyone else. If another person cannot or will not see our magnificence, then it is time to let go of them. We simply allow our light to shine brightly in another person’s direction, and on ourselves.

  I get close to myself whenever I want a person so badly.

  Day 57

 
Knowing Myself

  I get to know myself.

  Knowing ourselves means having a clear vision of our path so that we have an easier time making sense of what we want in a partner. It is essential to our process that we begin to understand what we consider non-negotiable in a partner. We can even make another list detailing negotiable qualities that are desirable in a person.

  Everyone’s lists will look different because we all have different tastes and desires. With our list in mind, however, we now know that each new experience interacting with an individual is an opportunity to gather more information about what we need. We search our souls as we interact with potential partners to determine the qualities that will work for us.

  Now we understand that knowing what we need in another person is not about judgment; it is about self-knowledge. We have power. We are worth all the time and exploration getting to know ourselves takes. Learning what we want in a partner means that we must be fearlessly honest. Today we practice self-exploration with courage.

  Today I take the opportunity to figure out what I value in a partner.

  Day 58

  Male and Female Views on Sex

  I determine what I want from a man sexually.

  Men most often experience sex as a basic biological need, while women tend to romanticize the sexual act. We usually consider sex as the cementing of our bond with a partner. We think sex will make him want us more. The fact is, though, that often men simply want sex and not a relationship.

  There is no judgment about the difference in male and female conceptions of sex. A man is not ‘bad’ if he conceives of sex differently than we do; however, male behavior can wound us if we are not clear about what we want from a man. If we want sex from him, that is fine. If that is the case, we must be clear that he may only want sex. If we are interested in having a relationship with a man, waiting before sleeping with him is usually a good rule of thumb.