The Emotionally Available Partner Read online

  Many reasons kept us in painful relationships in the past. We may have been naive, needy, recreating difficult family experiences, intensely attracted, or overwhelmed by a person. In order to heal our partnership issues, we need to get close to our own personal reasons for choosing to stay in these relationships. The reasons will vary slightly for each of us, yet the essential issue is always the same—an inability to honor who and what we really need in a partner.

  The process of understanding is not about blame. It is only a simple exploration so that we can see old patterns that no longer work for us. With knowledge and understanding of our personal reasons for being in painful relationships, we then release all these issues. Finally free, we move into relationships that really work for us. We enjoy the emotionally available partnership we deserve.

  Today I probe all the reasons I was involved in painful relationships.

  Day 10

  Working Out the Reasons

  I work out the reasons I was in abusive or neglectful relationships.

  We need to understand our own reasons for involvement in relationships that didn’t work for us. Perhaps a person reminded us of one or both of our parents and we were recreating the struggle, perhaps we looked really good in comparison to our partner with their messy life, perhaps we were rebelling against what our parents or society told us we could have in a partner, or maybe we just got so lonely that we took anyone who presented themselves to us.

  When we know all the reasons, which may be listed here or be a combination of other good reasons, we can work to let go of behaviors that no longer serve us. Letting ourselves be with another person before we get too lonely, working out our issues with our parents, becoming our own authority so that we are not rebelling and choosing poorly, and working on our self-esteem are all essential to healing. Today we understand our reasons for being in relationships that didn’t work. Then we enjoy an emotionally rich partnership.

  Today I understand all the reasons I was in relationships that didn’t work for me.

  Day 11

  Letting All the Reasons Go

  I let go of all the reasons I was in abusive or neglectful relationships.

  To let go of the reasons we were in abusive relationships takes a lot of patience and practice. The beliefs that gave rise to our behavior will not disappear overnight; however, understanding our reasons is essential. Delving into our partnership issues gives us a close-up view of why we engaged in behaviors that fostered painful relationships. Whether it was denial, self-hatred, low self-esteem, or just wild attraction which distracted us from the boredom of our own lives, giving up these protections can seem almost impossible.

  Trusting our process comes in very handy at moments when we are confronted with our reasoning for being in abusive relationships. Now we remember that many brave women are walking this path with us. We are not alone. Letting go is possible. Let’s walk this path together and get whatever support we need as we shed what no longer works for us. We do that when we allow the reasons that kept us in painful relationships to be removed. Letting go of all these reasons means that we show up for our lives. Letting go is scary, exhilarating, and miraculous. Right now we are doing it!

  Today I know I am not alone as I bravely release all the reasons that kept me in painful relationships.

  Day 12

  Being Trapped

  I know that all relationships are open to renegotiation at any time.

  If for some reason we want to get out of a relationship, we sometimes feel ensnared and entrapped. We feel as if we are being held in an undesirable place. This is an illusion! Many of us were never taught that any relationship is always open to renegotiation. We were usually taught to be good little girls, not powerful adults with the capacity to negotiate for ourselves.

  As we heal, we may jump into a relationship with a person who is no longer working for us; however, now we know that we are never truly trapped. All relationships are open to renegotiation at any time, for any reason.

  Today I know I am a rational adult in my relationship.

  Day 13

  Taking Ourselves and Our Relationships So Seriously

  I wear my relationship like a loose garment.

  Isn’t it boring for us always to be worried about our issues 24/7? All that worry won’t help us to heal faster or make the relationship work. We must realize that we are not powerful enough to influence any situation by being overly serious about it. Everything is being worked out for the highest good.

  Emotional availability is characterized by light-heartedness. Now we know that if we imagine wearing our relationship like a loose garment, rather than a constricting piece of clothing, we take some of the pressure off. Talking about entertainment, sporting events, the weather, trivia, and other news can be an antidote to the dilemma of heavy-heartedness. Our issues are characterized by an obsessive focus on how everything relates to us; today let’s make a choice to get out of ourselves by talking to others. Then we listen to them in return.

  Today I release all over-seriousness.

  Day 14

  Getting Away with It

  I avoid trying to get away with it.

  Our partnership issues are about playing the angles, seeing what we can get away with, and other little emotional dishonesties. When we try to get away with whatever we can, it is only a quick fix. The results don’t usually last long. Now, whenever we notice ourselves trying to talk ourselves into an attraction we don’t feel, or when we start to talk ourselves out of an attraction we do feel, we know that we are emotionally shaky. When we try to respond to an inappropriate comment that a person makes by ignoring it or skirting the issue of our discomfort, we are trying to get away with something.

  Living life on life’s terms means that we actually have to get into the muck of our lives. We have to do some work. We have to let go of control. It may not be as quickly comfortable or convenient to do things the thorough and “effective in the long run” way, but we do get the satisfaction of knowing we have taken the clear path. Healing is about doing the right thing for the right reason. Now we know we are building a solid foundation for a real relationship that will work.

  Today I do my Higher Power’s will and not my own.

  Day 15

  Guilt Trips

  I abstain from guilt trips.

  Guilt tripping feels creepy; however, it can be a deeply ingrained behavior in many women. We may think guilt tripping is the only way to get our partner to conform to our wishes. We may have so much rage at people in general that we take perverse pleasure in making our partner feel guilty. Guilt tripping others never works, though. It makes us feel bad about ourselves. Often we alienate people completely.

  Now whenever we have something we need to discuss, we put ourselves in their shoes. Rather than responding from a place of anger when we are tempted to guilt trip someone else, we calm down, imagine how we would want to hear frustration and need from our partner, take a 10 minute time-out, get centered, and then come back and clearly express our needs. Now we refrain from guilt trips.

  Today it feels good to avoid guilt tripping my partner.

  Day 16

  Man-Eating

  I let go of my need to be a man-eater.

  Man-eating is a good example of partnership issues taken to the extreme. It is a behavior defined by the manipulation of men. It is characterized by lying, stealing, and doing whatever we need to do to get what we need from men. Ultimately, man-eating is a behavior that is unfair to men and women. When all our energy and attention is focused on reeling a man in, we have no energy left for ourselves. Chances are we are stuck when we see him and are only able to think, “Can I get him?” or “What do I need to do to get him?” The panicky need for male attention and validation is so strong sometimes that we eat men up. We are unable to allow for male vulnerability. We are inconsiderate of a man’s needs.

  Now we know that whenever we desire to eat a man up, this is the ideal time to move inward. Today we ta
ke care of ourselves and our feelings. Man-eating signals that something is out of balance inside of us; and it offers us a great opportunity to figure out what is causing the imbalance.

  I notice today when the urge to engage in man-eating kicks up strongly.

  Day 17

  Distracting Commitments

  I release all distracting commitments.

  Many women today struggle with doing too much; those of us healing our partnership issues are no exception. As we begin this process, we may notice that we are often compulsively busy. Perhaps one reason we take on distracting commitments is to escape from being truly intimate with another person. If we find that we just don’t have time for a relationship, even though we want one, our partnership issues are surfacing.

  Whenever our actions are not matching our desires, it is time to look behind all our distracting commitments. Our busyness interferes with letting an available partner in. What keeps us overcommitted is a fear of saying no to others or wanting to be wanted so desperately. Today if we notice that our busyness detours us from a relationship that we really want, we let go of unnecessary distractions. Now we are in charge of what we commit to.

  For this day only, I release all busyness.

  Day 18

  Paying Attention

  I pay attention to myself.

  Choosing unavailable or abusive partners usually begins early on in women’s lives. Then it progresses rapidly. The pattern may ebb and flow as time progresses. Ultimately it may threaten our relationships, our sanity, or our lives.

  The answer hides behind the symptom, though, persistently waiting for us to notice. Whenever we are involved with, or desire to be involved with, unavailable people, we know that the time has come to pay attention to our soul’s message. We are not involved in unfulfilling relationships because we are flawed. We are simply trying to get our own attention. Let’s love ourselves today as we hear our own calls to heal our partnership issues.

  Today I really listen to myself.

  Day 19

  The Hooks

  I examine the hooks that lure me in to a person.

  Why do some people hook us in so strongly, while with other people there is no emotional pull? This may be a mystery for the ages, yet we need to figure out what bait attracts us to the fishhook. We need to freely swim in the sea; however, the hooks are putting us into situations where we can’t breathe.

  The next time we find ourselves getting hooked in to another person or their drama, we examine what it is about this individual that is pulling us in so strongly on an emotional level. Do they possess qualities we admire but feel we lack? Are they like one or both of our parents? Do they try to get our attention? Do they dodge us? Once we clearly see the hook, then we have the chance to truly let go of this type of person. It may hurt a little to get the information. If we are kind to ourselves through the process, though, we get to the other side. As we heal our partnership issues, we no longer go for bait that hurts us. We seek out and are attracted to emotionally available people who give and receive with us.

  Today I unhook from people.

  Day 20

  Fulfillment

  I sit with the feelings of fulfillment in my body and spirit.

  Many of us have trouble processing feelings of joy and fulfillment in a relationship. We often want to immediately get rid of any feelings that seem to be “too much.” We may be tempted to push someone away or to withhold from them when we feel full of love. We may go to the other extreme, too, and desperately seek to get more attention to prolong the high. We can become a cling-on.

  Loving emotionally means doing things differently, though. It means sitting with our feelings of fulfillment and truly processing the joy of our satisfaction in love. The quiet, joyful process of healing may be uncomfortable for us. Today, let’s remember that love experiences are here to nurture us. Love is not dangerous. Now we honor our ability to be fulfilled with the profound trust that wonderful new love experiences are coming our way.

  Today I stay grounded in my feelings of satisfaction with a person I love.

  Day 21

  Stubbornness

  I release all stubbornness.

  “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.”―Anonymous

  Bullheadedness keeps us stuck. Whenever we are determined to get what we think we need from a person, our stubbornness traps us. By fighting tooth and nail to get what we want, we alienate others. We can end up pushing someone away. Stubbornness also manifests in our lives as the tendency to keep coming back to a relationship that doesn’t work for us. We try to convince ourselves that we can do things differently to get them to stay, to nurture us, or to love us the way we want them to; however, our job on the planet is not to change another person.

  Many wonderful, available people want to love us right now. Sometimes our stubbornness is preventing us from seeing these emotionally capable individuals. Today we bravely relinquish our need to do the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Now we try a new way.

  Today I let go of all my bullheaded tendencies.

  Day 22

  Service

  I contribute to life.

  Giving back is actually our purpose on this planet. Service is not the codependent type of care-taking where we expect to get our needs met by doing things for others. Giving back is contributing to life in order to promote healing for our world. We are powerful beings with a reason for being here. We have a gift to share, even though we may be unaware of it. Actually our struggles with relationships are trying to get our attention.

  Chances are that by the time we are reading this book, we have experienced many relationships that haven’t worked out. We wonder how we will ever heal when we haven’t found the storybook ending yet. In reality, our search has never been about finding “The One.” Our search has been to discover our essence. Many of the people who we have been involved with have symbolized our own challenges to loving naturally. Our interactions with these people, as painful as they may have been, have brought us here where we can finally meet ourselves.

  Choosing an emotionally available partner is about reclaiming that miraculous power inside us that has a gift to share with the world. The detour to obsessing on relationships has taken us off course from our true purpose, which is to give back. By restoring our true nature, we share ourselves. Then the partner that we need appears because we have found ourselves; and they are attracted to us.

  Today I share my gifts with the world in the spirit of service.

  Day 23

  Pheromones

  I know my attractions are biological as well as emotional.

  Humans produce and react to pheromones. A pheromone is a scent that each human being emits that alters the behavior of her or his social or sexual partner. The power of smell is undeniable. Scientists say that pheromones are detected by the same nerve cells in the nose used to detect odor. All humans, men and women, emit pheromones at several different sites on their bodies, which is why the way a person smells can be such a turn on.

  Others are affected by our pheromones as well. They are also affected by an additional scent that we produce during ovulation called “copulins,” which increases our attractiveness. Today we respect biological attraction as well as emotional attraction, knowing that our urges for a person make sense.

  Today I know that pheromones elicit non-conscious behavioral reactions in me and in my partner.

  Day 24

  Willingness

  I am willing to release the need to hurt myself.

  Hurting ourselves is outmoded; however, we may engage in such behavior from time to time because of our deep sense of sorrow. Being with unavailable, neglectful, or even abusive people hurts us. It is painful to constantly seek something that another cannot possibly give to us. The reason that we do this is that injuring ourselves through our choice of partners distracts us from pain we can’t identify or can’t directly influence.
We may feel something if we choose someone unavailable, rather than feeling nothing. Hurting ourselves actually makes us feel more in our body rather than so disconnected.

  As we get better at identifying our emotions, we slowly claim our pain as our truth. We learn to take care of ourselves, love ourselves through the pain, and let go of or modify our connection to what doesn’t help us. Today we know that hurting ourselves with unavailable people is unnecessary. Now we bravely relinquish all need to hurt ourselves. We let go of all behavior that does not serve us.

  Today I let go of all the ways I hurt myself.

  Day 25

  Keeping Up with the Jones

  I abstain from trying to keep up appearances.

  We are not fooling anyone by trying to pretend things are OK when they are not. And we are not fooled, either. Being perfect and looking good on the outside is highly prized in our society. In order to achieve that, we think we need to be in a relationship. If we are in a relationship, we feel we need to let others think our relationship is good and supportive; however, too often we women take abuse, neglect, or criticism from our partners. Then we try to keep up appearances so people think we are in a successful relationship. It seems safer to want others to like us.

  As we heal our partnership issues now, we learn that our journey is about us. It is an internal journey. If we feel good about our process and our lives, then we will truly shine light out to the world. Healing is about realizing that what others think of us is none of our business. Today we do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We let go of the “shoulds.” Now we love ourselves enough to show the world the wonderful human being inside of us.

  Today I let the chips fall where they may.

  Day 26

  Scapegoating

  I abstain from scapegoating.

  In our culture we are taught to blame any unhappiness we have on the lack of “that someone special” in our lives. Not being married or in a relationship is a great scapegoat. We blame everything on our lack of a partner. We defer our dreams and happiness until this person appears. We think, “If only I had someone in my life, I would feel good,” “I can’t have the house of my dreams without a partner,” or “If I had a relationship, I would feel better about myself.”