The Emotionally Available Partner Page 17

  For example, if we get upset and overreact when the one we love lets us down slightly, we ask ourselves if we are trying to make it easy to end the relationship. Was our partner’s behavior really so upsetting that we want to avoid the good parts of the partnership?

  A wise person once said, “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.” Even if we fear we will drive a potential partner away or will limit our chances of ever having a relationship, we make the courageous decision to abstain from changing our behavior around other people. We develop the faith through experience to know that as we gain awareness our behavior is amended naturally when the time is right. Then a wonderful partnership appears.

  In this moment, I know that my behavior is just fine.

  Day 247

  Authority

  I legalize all behavior around potential partners.

  “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.”―Lisa

  Resolving our partnership issues means that we accept all of our behavior around other people. That is why this quote is repeated. As we heal, we look at our behavior as if it were a science experiment. When we find our behavior doesn’t match our goals, we acknowledge the behavior. Then we gently query why we would act in a way which doesn’t serve us. The process is not about judgment; it is about information. If we find we are acting silly, morbid, attention starved, or high and mighty with potential partners, we may be tempted to beat ourselves up. The antidote to this is affirming that we love all our behavior around other people.

  Self-affirmation exhibits true self-compassion. As we progress, even if we find that we do not like our behavior around people, we soon see that all our behavior is OK. If we find that we sincerely want to change a behavior that we find ineffective, then we get the help necessary to let go of it. We may make mistakes as we walk this path; however, now we know we can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.

  I am my own authority today. I give myself permission to engage in all behavior around potential partners.

  Day 248

  Changing My Partner

  I abstain from trying to change my partner.

  Today we choose a partner who appeals to us. If we see that a person has many characteristics that we would like to change, which irritate us, scare us, or turn us off, we can examine our motives in being with them. Are their quirks really too much for us or is it just easier to look at their peccadilloes than to take care of our own lives? Are we acting out of low self-esteem? Are we feeling unworthy of a whole and actualized partner? Are we afraid to focus on our own healing? Do we seek a lower companion so that we will look good in comparison to them?

  Changing ourselves takes a lot of energy. If we are taking a person we may feel is “damaged goods, yet full of potential,” we may want to sit for a while and get clear on our motives. Today we choose to work on ourselves. Now we pick from among the abundance of wonderful, actualized, and acceptable people in order to let love in.

  Today I choose a partner that I do not have to change.

  Day 249

  Obsession

  I can obsess on a person any time I want. It is always OK.

  Knowing it is always OK to obsess leads us to a profound place of self-trust. If we cannot let go of a preoccupation, we know that it is OK. Obsession is a very ancient, powerful tendency in most of us. Sometimes the pull to excessively focus on someone is too powerful to surrender. Today we are gentle with ourselves if we are drawn into an obsession. Setting a five-minute boundary on what is haunting us is a tool that often quiets us.

  If the preoccupation is persistent, though, looking behind it reframes obsession as a wonderful teacher. Obsessing on a person means that we are in an uncomfortable situation or are experiencing an uncomfortable feeling. Now we have the magic opportunity to use our preoccupations to get closer to ourselves. When obsession hangs on powerfully, we move into our feelings to discover what is really going inside. We use obsession to take stock of our lives.

  No matter where we are in our journey to release obsession, we are just fine; we are going to make it. This process is about self-love. It is about giving ourselves the permission let go of control and be who we are in this moment, no matter what.

  Today I love myself, even if I am preoccupied with someone else.

  Day 250

  Discomfort

  I am natural when I am with a potential partner.

  Nature is pure and sacred. So are we. Our natures as women are beautiful and profound. We have often denied our natures, though. Now, as we heal, it can be uncomfortable and scary to allow ourselves the permission to be natural around another person. We feel that if we let ourselves go we will be devouring monsters with a deep well of need, we fear that we will be overly submissive and timid, or we worry that we won’t be able to maintain a sense of self in relationship.

  Many of us are exceptionally gifted at controlling our natures based on fears such as these, but nature cannot be controlled for long. Our partnership issues actually function as a great signal indicating that we are not being natural; therefore, learning to heed our own signal that something is wrong is central to healing. Whenever we shift into control mode or are in excessive fear, we know it is time to check in with our feelings. Then we take the further step of being who we are with someone else, which is beautiful.

  Today I respect myself and withstand the discomfort of being natural with another person.

  Day 251

  Tranquility

  I make total peace with my behavior around potential partners.

  No matter how we act around a person, it is OK. If we feel we have put our foot in our mouth, if we get excitable, or if we get spacey, every behavior is acceptable. All of the behaviors we engage in around potential partners are acceptable.

  For us, making peace with our behavior can feel extremely uncomfortable. We want to be loved. Our fear is that if we are not at least trying to control our behavior, we are doomed of ever finding a partner. By acting like we “should,” though, we are not showing people the truth. Sooner or later, we can not handle the pressure of denying ourselves. Denial never works for long, and we deserve to be ourselves in relationships.

  Who we are without any artifice is just fine. If we are not attracting as many people as before, this is normal. This simply means that we are getting closer to attracting the individual we will be fulfilled by—the person who wants to be with us. Healing means trusting that our integral behavior will bring us the partner we need.

  Today I feel peace knowing that my behavior with a person is just fine.

  Day 252

  Permission

  I can be with a person any time I want. It is always OK.

  “It takes what it takes.”―Meg Lopez-Cepero

  No matter what, even if they are wrong for us and it hurts, we can always be with anyone if we need to. If a relationship is unfulfilling and we can’t cut the cord, if we want that charmer so much it makes us want to cry, if an individual feeds every obsessive impulse we have, all behavior with other people is allowed. Permission is so healing. As we become our own authority, we give ourselves permission to do what we need to do around potential partners. We ask ourselves how this person feels to us. If we feel bad in being around a person, then we use our feelings to get clarity about our motives. We ask why we want to feel bad. Is the pain easier to take if we think it is coming from outside of ourselves?

  On this journey, we don’t need to hurt ourselves unnecessarily; however, today we give ourselves permission if we are compelled to be with any person. Letting ourselves go through the experience with the knowledge that we have the skills to take care of ourselves, no matter what the outcome, builds self-trust. The gift of permission is that sooner or later we will want to be with people who treat us well, and we will no longer need to hurt ourselves around partnership.

  Today I trust in my ability to take care of myself in any way that I need to.

  Day 253

  Emotional Armor


  I take off my emotional armor around safe people.

  We often approach love as a battle. We have elaborate protections to defend us from being hurt. Even though our emotional armor may protect us from getting injured, sooner or later that protection is more painful than the pain we want to avoid. Now we notice that our armor deflects not only pain, but also joy.

  Today, we gently take off the heavy emotional armor we have worn for a lifetime. Now we know we are not at war with a partner. When we let go of our defense mechanisms, we lightly take the steps of intimacy one at a time. Each moment that we progress in our healing, we build faith gently and firmly in our ability to determine who is safe. Each piece of emotional armor we drop helps us to let in a wonderful partner.

  Today I determine who I can trust. Then when I feel safe with someone, I peel off my emotional armor.

  Day 254

  Letting Go

  I let my partner deal with perplexing or troubling situations.

  When our partner has a burning issue pop up in life, we can usually see many ways that the situation could be handled. Objectivity gives us great abilities to problem-solve for people; we are detached from the issue. Usually, though, it is best to keep our hands off of another person’s problems unless we are specifically asked for help or advice. The journey to healing means that we release the relentless desire to control other people. Now we give people the unspoken trust in their capabilities when we respect their choices.

  Obviously balance is important, and often others do need help, but letting a person deal with their own life sends the message that we have confidence in their ability to handle difficult situations. It also means that we have our own lives to attend to.

  Today I make a decision to keep my hands off of my partner’s difficulties unless asked for my help.

  Day 255

  Simplicity

  I keep things simple with potential partners.

  Being stuck means that we reject simplicity. We are usually trapped inside of our issues whenever we find ourselves mulling over a problem or trying to force a solution. For example, one woman’s husband had not bought her flowers in three months. She was concerned about what this meant. She was also trying to hint that she wanted flowers. Then she realized that simplicity is the antidote; she told the plain, honest truth. When she took the risk to tell him she wanted flowers, he was delighted to buy them. Now he knows a good way to please her. She also realized that if he could not or would not meet her needs, she could buy herself flowers! Like her, to heal around partnership, we simplify life by doing the next right thing in front of us.

  Simplicity is straightforward. Keeping our relationships with other people easy to understand and easy to deal with, we have a greater chance of happiness and harmony. Often many things work out well in relationships without our direct intervention. Today we know that the temptation to overwhelm ourselves by inviting complications into our partnership is outdated. We firmly let go of all complications.

  Today I keep things simple in my relationships. I let go of what I cannot control.

  Day 256

  Using People

  I abstain from using others.

  When we are stuck, we fear that there will never be enough for us. We assume that we need to manipulate, control, and use people in order to get what we need. Many of us don’t realize that giving means to confer without expectation of reward, while receiving is taking something that is offered to us. If we are using other people on a conscious, or even subconscious, level to selfishly meet our own needs, we are not givers; we are not even truly receivers because we are not accepting what is offered. Instead we are manipulating to get what we need.

  Using another also doesn’t feel good because a natural fear is built into the action; when we use someone else we assume that they will attempt to use us in return. Now we know that we do not need to use another person; we know that we have enough resources of our own, and that we even have a surplus to give away. As we progress, we give freely and then accept in return.

  Today I freely give to people.

  Day 257

  Letting Go

  I let go.

  “Letting go is not dropping the rope that connects us to safety. It is opening our hands to the gifts our Higher Power is waiting to bestow on us.”―Jack T.

  Letting go is the only way to resolve our partnership issues. Letting go sounds so simple, yet it takes great courage. We want the person to be there on our timetable and they’re not, we fear getting older and still “The One” doesn’t appear, or we hold on in desperation to an individual who can’t give us what we need because sometimes even an unavailable person seems better than being with no one.

  Even though it is challenging, letting go means that “just for today” we walk the path of healing. That means surrendering our efforts at controlling another person, ourselves, or the outcome of a relationship. As we walk this road we know that letting go is possible.

  I open myself to the age old solution of letting go all through this day.

  Day 258

  Old Behaviors

  I release seduction, control, guilt, and manipulation to hook or hold onto a partner.

  Women are taught how to entrap a partner by the media, by romance novels, and by national women’s magazines. Many powerful influences sell us a bag of tricks to “catch” a partner; however, womanhood is not a magic act. True availability on the emotional level is about being ourselves without relying on tricks to “catch” a person. Being stuck in our partnership issues is about pretense and control. Today we know we don’t need to pull tricks out of a bag. Old behaviors used to entice or trap an individual may work, yet the price for us is dangerously high. Today we bravely release all old behaviors as we let in an emotionally available partner.

  Today I know that who I am is good enough. I release old behaviors.

  Day 259

  Outcomes

  I let go of outcomes.

  Our society is outcome-oriented. We generally pride ourselves on what we can accomplish. The goal is often valued more highly than the process. Those of us healing our relationship issues can get “stopped dead in our tracks” by focusing on the outcome we want from this work. Whether we see marriage, partnership, or having children as the goal of our journey, we can be literally immobilized when we do not reach our goal as we expect to. The process of healing is miraculous, yet many times it does not look the way we think it will; it does not work on set timetables.

  If we find that we are not achieving the outcomes we set for ourselves, it is important to honor all the progress we have made. Today we do not get tripped up, or despondent. An open heart, a freedom from self-hatred, the manifestation of our dreams, and joy are all benefits of healing. We trust that our blessings will lead us to the situation that is right for us when the time is right.

  Transformations will take place. The outcomes we want will manifest when we do this work; however, now we accept that the timing and the general external appearance may look different than we anticipate.

  Today I enjoy the freedom of letting myself be who I am. I worry less about outcomes.

  Day 260

  Truth

  I speak the truth to potential partners.

  “The truth shall set you free.”―Jesus Christ

  Many of us learned to hide the truth, to protect other people’s feelings, and to deny the reality of situations. Even though we fabricated and denied our truth, our relationships still never seemed to work out as we had hoped.

  Today we stop the cycle by speaking our truth and by letting a person face the reality of the situation. We know that when we speak the truth, we save everyone hardship and pain in the long run. If we are angry, we say so. If we feel joyful, we tell our partner the truth.

  Although truth telling takes practice and courage, we are worth all the discomfort this may cause in us and around us. Now we know that honesty sets us free. We are worth the investment of truth-telling in our relationships wi
th our partners. Today we tell the truth to set ourselves free.

  Today I have the courage not only to identify the truth, but to speak it out loud to my partner.

  Day 261

  Surrender

  I release the need for struggle and suffering.

  “Surrender means to move to the winning side.”―Anonymous

  Love is comfortable, warm, and tender; however, we are often used to struggle and suffering in relationships. We are unaccustomed to having true love in our partnerships. All relationships have conflict and problems; however, an imbalance of joy vs. suffering can signal a lack of love.

  Today when we notice ourselves consistently struggling and suffering in a partnership, this may be a good indicator that love is not present in the relationship, or that some serious miscommunication is occurring. In this case, we put up the white flag of surrender around struggle and suffering. We are too wise to stay stuck in pain any longer. Now we look for a better way.

  Love isn’t dramatic. We know that drama is comfortable only because we have practiced it for so long. Today, with joy, we reclaim our right to a love relationship that works.

  Today I release the need for upset in my relationship.

  Day 262

  Getting Out of Ourselves

  I get out of myself for fun.

  “Isn’t it boring thinking about yourself all the time?”―Michelle