The Emotionally Available Partner Read online

  Today I take care of myself by getting all the support I need as I move into my feelings.

  Day 216

  Validating My Partner

  I validate my partner’s feelings.

  “Emotional availability is about letting the other person have their feelings.”―Jim M.

  Being emotionally available is the capacity to help a person identify and benefit from their emotions. We learn how to do this by validating our own feelings. Feelings actually give us concrete feedback about how we experience life, and the emotionally rich life benefits us all. Many people in our society have been taught to stuff their feelings. As we heal we learn that we need to be very comfortable allowing ourselves to experience all of our feelings in order to validate another person’s feelings.

  Self-validation can be a tall order as we heal our partnership issues; remember that we are getting better one day at a time. Perfection is not the goal; the process is what matters. We are all, as human beings, entitled to feel as we feel. We do not have to act on our feelings or the feelings of our partner; however, a gift we give to the person in our life is validating their right to have all their feelings.

  Today I validate my partner’s feelings.

  Day 217

  Tantrums

  I guide myself through my own tantrum.

  When we don’t get what we want, sometimes we throw tantrums. The disappointment of realizing we can’t get what we want, when we want it, with a person or in relationships can cause a tantrum to begin within ourselves. The energy of a tantrum builds on itself; then we are swept away by it. We may have been taught never to display our feelings in this innocent way, or we may have experienced people caving into our desires when we did throw a tantrum.

  Now we know that staying with ourselves and holding ourselves as we go through our own tantrums is essential to healing. Instead of inappropriately unleashing the power of our emotions on others, or stuffing our own feelings deep within ourselves, this day we take our own hand through the experience. By being receptive to our own emotions, we become better able to identify how we feel about events in our lives. Now whenever we feel a tantrum coming on, we know that it is a great opportunity to love ourselves.

  Today I am my own guide through any tantrum I feel building within me.

  Day 218

  Overwhelmed

  I process overwhelming feelings.

  We women contend with many demands every day. For those of us facing our fears of partnership, it is extremely hard to sit with overwhelming feelings. Sometimes we just need to “pull the plug.” Leaving a relationship often seems like the answer. Abandoning someone is an extreme reaction popping up, though.

  We may have learned to cope in our lives by thrusting out relationships when we got overwhelmed; however, today we are adult women. We have the ability to walk through overwhelming feelings and to take care of ourselves. Feelings just exist. They are not a threat to our well-being. Feelings are emotional energy, and they do pass. With detachment and time, we effectively deal with our feelings. Today in that moment of overwhelm, we sit with our feelings.

  Today I process overwhelming feelings.

  Day 219

  Awareness

  I increase my awareness of my feelings.

  Our feelings are trying to tell us something. Feelings never lie. Trying to control or stuff our feelings only works for so long. When we ignore our feelings, there is always a heavy price to pay for that type of denial; we devote ourselves to a person who cannot fulfill us.

  Now we build our self-esteem one day at a time, and sometimes one moment at a time, by checking in with ourselves gently. We ask how we feel about a person. Now when we mingle or date, we ask ourselves questions. We ask, “How am I responding to this person? Do I feel scared, mad, glad, or sad when I am around this individual? Am I irritated, excited, lonely, or energized by them? Do I feel comfortable?” When we get our emotional information, we are better at being true to ourselves.

  Since feelings are not of the material realm, it takes time to get used to listening to them. Each time we practice, we build faith in our power to take care of ourselves. Now we give ourselves the person we need because we are aware of our feelings.

  Today I know my emotions always tell me the truth.

  Day 220

  Listening

  I hear my partner’s feelings.

  Active listening mirrors back to a person what we hear them say. When we actively listen to a potential partner, we give them a gift because we are present for them. The message we send when we truly listen to an individual and to all of their feelings is that they are important to us; however, part of what makes listening to a potential partner challenging for us is that our own needs become paramount in our minds. We may have trouble letting go of old resentments. We wonder why our partner won’t listen to us!

  In moments like these, it is helpful to remember that every one of us on this planet wants to be happy and loved; in fact, love is our birthright. When we honor a person today by hearing their feelings, we generate more love on Earth. Then the love will be returned to us; our needs will be met.

  Often our ability to be emotional and to process our feelings is what attracts people to us in the first place. Today we give another person the gift of listening as they experience their feelings. We bless them in this process and realize they are special. Healing is about giving. When we give, we are letting in an emotionally available person.

  Today I listen as my partner shares their feelings.

  Day 221

  Self-Validation

  I validate my own feelings.

  Owning our own feelings gives us the chance to get closer to essential information that empowers us. Being emotionally available is about power. No one else is our authority. In the past we may have been told that our feelings were too intense, out of control, or shameful. Now we know that the only person who needs to validate our feelings is us. The process of healing gives us the opportunity to become rational, adult women around other people, relationships, and sex.

  We may have been told how to feel by society, by our parents, by our past partners, and even by other women; however, today is the day to reclaim our own power to self-validate. No matter what feelings we are feeling, even if they are not culturally approved, we are our own authority. By moving into our feelings, we give ourselves the chance to substantiate our experience as women. We get closer to ourselves, and we let in an emotionally available individual.

  Today I am my own authority with regard to my feelings.

  Day 222

  Feelings

  I verbalize my feelings.

  Our partnership issues are about secrets, pretending everything is fine when we are dying inside, or expecting someone else to understand from our expression or body language that everything is not OK. A simple solution to the complex problem of trying to change them, though, is simply to speak out about our feelings when the time is right.

  Many of us never learned that feelings just exist; we weren’t taught that feelings deserve to be shared. In past relationships we attempted to avoid sharing our feelings. Many of us even left partnerships in order to avoid sharing our emotions. Now we know that is not necessary. Each time we appropriately verbalize our feelings with our partner, it is a gift that we give to them and to ourselves. Now we know that the gift of honest sharing is an expression of ourselves.

  Today I express my feelings verbally.

  Day 223

  Anger

  It’s OK to be angry.

  We women have a right to our anger. We may have been taught that anger is unladylike, yet this idea is simply misinformation. Anger is just an emotion people experience. Though it has a powerful energy behind it, the emotion itself is not destructive. In fact, anger channeled positively can lead us to manifest many dreams. Anger acknowledged constructively is actually a great indicator that our boundaries are being crossed. It signals that we need to pay attention to what is going on inside, o
r outside, of us. Often our anger erupts because we are trying to deny that problems exist. Now we no longer have to deny our anger.

  Today we know that anger is powerful and helpful if processed correctly. When we notice that we are angry, we take the time to check in with ourselves and figure out what we need to do in order to heal. If we need help to manage our anger, we take an anger management course or get help from a professional. (See the Bibliography at the back of this book.) With assurance, we feel all of our feelings.

  Today I process my anger in ways that help me.

  Day 224

  Fear

  I notice when I get in fear.

  “Fear is the opposite of faith.”―Anonymous

  Even though fear is “false evidence appearing real,” fear is a hard one for many of us. Sometimes we are in denial and don’t even realize that fear is tyrannizing us. We deny that we are afraid. We may also go the other direction and attribute other emotions, such as excitement, exhilaration, or attraction to fear. What we forget is that fear is basically “forgetting everything’s all right.”

  Now if we notice that we are getting fearful, we have a better chance of actually staying present. If we get fearful of committing, and intimacy just seems too overwhelming, today we acknowledge the fear. Then we make friends with it. Fear has something to teach us. It is an emotion that wants to bring us into faith. Now by quietly and patiently examining our fear, we learn about ourselves.

  Today I make friends with my fear as I learn to be in faith.

  Day 225

  Shame

  I release shame about my body.

  Women are taught to feel ashamed of our bodies and who we are throughout our lives. Many feminine products exist on the market to disguise our odors and help us control our weight, menopause isn’t celebrated, and sexually we may have gotten the message that we are dangerous or unsightly.

  Today we let go of all this simple ignorance on the part of the mass market and stop our complicity in our own indoctrination. The process of releasing shame is not easy, yet it is possible. It begins for each of us as a thorough appraisal of what it means to be a woman. Committing to loving our bodies, seeing what our bodies do for us each day, loving ourselves as we are, at whatever age or weight we are, and exulting in ourselves as sexual beings frees us from shame about our femininity.

  The female body is a miraculous spiritual force that allows us to bring new life into the world if we so choose, to endure more pain than men, and to feel sensual and sexual pleasure at any age or weight. Releasing the shame that has been taught to us allows us to truly move into who we are—wonderful women who deserve a partner who loves us unconditionally. Body shame is outdated; therefore, today we release it. Now we choose a partner who honors our body.

  Today I let go of all shameful feelings about my body.

  Day 226

  Empathy

  I empathize with how my partner feels.

  Our partners have feelings too; they need to be understood and validated. Emotionally aware partners may seem few and far between, because people are often not well practiced at sharing themselves and their feelings. To truly love someone, though, means picking up on the subtle clues they give us that they are experiencing feelings. Whether they are hiding, glued to the remote control, shopping a lot, sucked into a video game, or seem only able to connect with their friends for a time, we let them be where they need to be without taking it personally. When they feel our acceptance, they may feel freer to share themselves and their feelings with us.

  No matter what they do, we get the chance to show another person how much we love them by empathizing with them. Empathy can be extremely difficult for us, for it may bring our own fears to the surface. For today, though, let’s trust that an individual is with us because they love us. As we love our partner back, we are present and empathetic when they are ready to share with us.

  Today I let a person share themselves as they are able.

  Day 227

  Self-Empowerment

  I honor and empower my spirit.

  Our spirit can get lost in the search for “The One.” Neglecting our spiritual selves is a common trait in women who choose the unavailable type. Even if we have a solid spiritual belief, we may not have heard our spirit calling out to us. The focus on our appearance or with finding a partner may have taken precedence over our spirit in the past.

  Now, giving our spiritual self the respect it deserves means heeding our own call. Today is the day for us to get in contact with that still place inside. Now when we truly listen to our spirit; we seek a relationship with a person who pleases the spiritual part of us.

  We empower our spirit by testing types of people out, interacting with potential partners, and checking in with how we feel in being with an individual. Are we refreshed? Do we feel good? Are we happy? Do we feel spiritually fulfilled around this person? If the answers are “Yes,” we trust our Self. Then we build a relationship with an emotionally available partner.

  Today I let my spirit guide me in the search for my natural partner.

  Day 228

  Hope

  I keep hope alive.

  This process may take time; however, it is working. When we are alone, suffering, or butting our heads up against the wall one more time, we may lose hope that we can truly change. Whenever this happens, we must remember that we do not actually need to change ourselves at all. All we have to do is release old protective behaviors that cover up our true selves. These behaviors no longer serve us. As we peel each layer of our behavior off like we would an onion, the things that cover over our true selves will be lifted. An onion has a strong odor, though. It can turn people off. It can also make us cry when we cut into it.

  Our healing process can be the same way. When we uncover a new layer of our healing, we may think, “I am just getting worse. I keep messing up.” What this really means is that we have reached a new level of challenge. Now we keep the faith that we will learn new behaviors. Keeping our hope, trust, and faith in the process alive expedites our healing. With hope we cannot fail!

  Today I keep the faith that I am healing.

  Day 229

  Strife

  I avoid strife and I seek peace.

  Peace is gently kind and feels good; it can also feel extremely strange to us. Because we are used to strife, drama, and struggle, the pull back into these feelings is strong. The choice of peace can seem inadequate. If we are legitimately angry or feeling many old fears surface in a relationship, peace may seem like the last place we can go.

  The re-conceptualization of problems in relationships as opportunities to move into healing helps us in these moments. Now we know that the solution to all strife is peace. As we heal, we start to believe that whatever we are experiencing in our relationships right now is exactly what we are meant to be experiencing. We learn that the problem is surfacing so that we have the opportunity to calmly and gently step into harmony. Today we know that stepping out of hurtful, problematic, intimacy-blocking strife makes peace possible. Now we choose the solution.

  Today I step away from the problem and into peace.

  Day 230

  Answers

  I seek answers.

  “This too shall pass.”―Anonymous

  Confusion can be tremendous for us. We may have trouble making decisions about potential partners, confusion about when to move into a relationship with a person, and difficulty discerning what we can accept and what we can’t. Our feelings give us information, yet the strength of our feelings may overwhelm us. Our tendency to connect with the unavailable type functions as a race away from feelings and decision making. That is why many of us sought out people who would make our decisions for us or who made us feel a certain way.

  Today, we do not need others to deal with our feelings. We trust that the force of our feelings will pass. As the feelings leave, information is transmitted. If we stay with ourselves as we feel our feelings, than the answers are clear. Today we make o
ur own wise decisions. Our answers are inside of us waiting to be excavated. Now we look inside for the answers.

  For this day only, I arrive at my own answers.

  Day 231

  Reliance

  I trust my feelings.

  “My feelings are the only thing I can trust.”―Judy

  Honoring our feelings is a revolutionary concept for us. It takes practice when our society is about cold hard facts. Feelings give us concrete information that something is going on at an emotional level with us, though. Often we may have no idea what triggered a feeling. Now if we get centered and clearly review our day whenever we experience a feeling, we find that the feeling exactly matches an experience from the past 24 hours. Now we review our day when we experience emotions.

  Reliance on the subtle feelings inside of us also gives us treasured information that helps us make good decisions about a potential partner. Whenever we experience anger, depression, hopelessness, love, or joy when we are with someone, we are getting good information about how that individual works for us. As we interact with potential partners, the reliance on our feelings provides a wonderful tool to decide who is right for us. The more we practice, the sooner we enter an available relationship.

  Today I rely on my feelings for information.

  Day 232

  Going the Distance

  I tolerate the feeling of satisfaction from being around a person for longer periods until I don’t have to run away at all.

  We may not know how to let another person fulfill us. The discomfort of being fulfilled in a relationship can send us running. We pout, yell, run away, or nitpick. Shutting down like this is not wrong; however, it can wreak havoc in our relationships. Now when we notice that we are cut off from our feelings, we calmly return to being present in our bodies.