The Emotionally Available Partner Read online

  Today I know I can let go of a married person if I choose.

  Day 170

  Involvement

  I am involved in my relationships.

  Getting involved can seem scary to us. We often have a long history of heartbreaking experiences where involvement with unavailable and/or incapable people caused upset. Real intimacy, however, can only be nurtured through involvement. No person will always be able to meet us, yet as we heal we become better able to ascertain who is available and who isn’t.

  Each day, we learn how to judge situations more skillfully. Today we gain assurance that involvement is safe and worthwhile. Now we choose to be involved with people who are safe.

  Today I have the faith in myself to risk involvement with safe people.

  Day 171

  Ex-Partners

  I see my “ex” clearly.

  The hook connecting us to one or several of our “ex-partners” can be extremely strong. As we heal, the temptation to return to “ex-partners” with whom our relationships in the past did not work can arise. Sometimes we think we have changed so much that we can make it work this time around, we may feel desperate to connect with any person (even someone that was less than nurturing), or we may want to reconnect with someone who will be glad to hear from us.

  It is always OK to be with any person including our “ex.” No matter what course we take, though, it is important to see our “ex” clearly. In moments when we get hooked back into a person from our past, we ask ourselves if they treat us well and if we feel good when we are around them. If our “ex” was very problematic, dangerous, or hurtful, however, we talk to loving friends or support people who remind us of what we need and want in a partner.

  Today I evaluate my response to an “ex-partner” as I would any other potential partner.

  Day 172

  Safe People

  I trust safe people.

  The process of healing means trusting safe individuals. Safe people may seem boring to many of us, yet now we release this old idea. Over and over in the past, we may have chosen partners who were in some way unsafe. We did this because of naiveté, because we were recreating old wounds, or just through bad luck.

  Now as we heal, the journey to the center of our own issues helps us realize that we do deserve to be with people who treat us appropriately. Our challenges around partnership have been hanging on forever just to teach us that we deserve the best. Today we are entitled to dignity in our relationships. Safe people feel good to be around. No one will ever be 100% safe and appropriate because we all have our issues; however, safe people are eagerly waiting for us to notice them and let them love us.

  I seek out safe people for the next 24 hours.

  Day 173

  Perceiving

  I differentiate what a person is available for and what they are not available for.

  “Knowledge is power.”―Anonymous

  People usually tell us what they can and can’t do early on in a relationship. This is one of the wonderful features of human beings. People clearly express who they are without reservation right up front. The problem is that we women often hear what we want to hear. Then we are surprised and let down when a person can’t show up, even if they told us from the beginning!

  For our own peace of mind on down the line in a relationship, it is imperative that we really listen to what someone says at first. We need to respect what an individual can and can’t do to determine if this person is a match for us. While no one person can fulfill all of our needs and it is unfair to expect anyone to meet all our criteria, we are entitled to have reasonable expectations of a partner. With a set of balanced expectations, today we listen as a potential partner tells us about their availability.

  Today I notice what a person can and can’t do in partnership.

  Day 174

  Contentment

  I let myself be satisfied with a person.

  When we are stuck in our partnership issues, we are usually dissatisfied. There is never enough. We always want that elusive “more” to complete us. We are unused to the feeling of satisfaction and immediately want to run away from someone who fills us up. Allowing ourselves to be contented by being with an emotionally available person may feel extremely uncomfortable. We fear them and question what’s wrong with them. We look for the flaw that will disqualify them. Are they too boring, too patient, too sedate, too much in love with us?

  As we heal from our partnership issues, we learn that it is important to sit with that feeling of satisfaction when we feel fulfilled by a person. We were put here on earth to be pleasured. Now we know that this moment is our opportunity to let satisfaction in via an available partner, even if this causes us discomfort.

  Today I savor the feeling of contentment from being with someone who really satisfies me.

  Day 175

  Impropriety

  I notice when others are inappropriate.

  What designates inappropriate behavior? Each of us needs to create our own list of what we consider inappropriate. Some basics do apply, though. Examples are: yelling, criticism, mixed messages, emotional outbursts, any touch that we do not want, and lies. For each of us our list will differ in what we uniquely consider inappropriate behavior in a potential partner.

  Once we have our list, the next step is to notice when someone is inappropriate in these ways or in other ways which are important to us. Now if we notice that a person can’t meet our expectations, we can let go of them. Does this mean we are looking for perfection? Will we deny ourselves a good person because they are not 100% at all times? Obviously the answers to these questions are “No.” Extreme thinking sets us back; however, noticing inappropriate behavior in an individual helps us release an incapable person sooner. Then we move on to someone who is wonderful and appropriate for us.

  Today I choose a person who is appropriate for me.

  Day 176

  Appropriate Trust

  I trust those who are trustworthy.

  If someone is married, cheating, lies to us, sends mixed messages, or in any other way gives us a signal that they are untrustworthy, we honor the facts. If an individual consistently displays that they are trustworthy, we take that into account and value their abilities. It may feel familiar to get wrapped up in a person who is somehow sly or shifty; however, this urge is only a manifestation of our own partnership issues.

  Doing research on who is trustworthy, and who is not, is necessary as we heal. We have to get out there and mingle. Interactions with potential partners, though, can be challenging for us. Doing research like this takes practice and patience. The upside is that we are steadily getting better and better at recognizing who is worthy of our trust and who isn’t. Today we rely on ourselves to determine who we can trust. Then we act accordingly to let trustworthy people in.

  I value a person who is trustworthy today.

  Day 177

  Getting Close

  I let safe people get close.

  Our yearning for intimacy is not chance. We yearn to connect with safe partners because we are made to love. The desire to flee an available person, however, signals that we are feeling a feeling we do not know how to process or that we are in a situation that is making us uncomfortable. Obviously some people will not be safe or desirable for us to interact with; however, if someone is appropriate for us and we are attracted, then the urge to run from intimacy is telling us something.

  Now we see that whenever we want to run away from another person because we are scared to death to get close, we are being invited to move deeper into ourselves. Inside of us is our spiritual self who knows how to and wants to give love. By moving into our feelings, learning to process our feelings, dealing with the core issues inside of us, and choosing situations where we are comfortable, we heal our partnership issues. No matter what the issue, by heeding our own signals we have a chance to move closer to ourselves.

  Today I reveal my essence when it feels right.

  Day 178r />
  My Natural Partner

  I choose to be with my natural partner.

  Our natural partner is someone with whom we experience ease and a positive flow of energy. Things generally go smoothly with the partner we are naturally made to love. They treat us well, respect us, and are kind. They are not perfect; however, they do make an effort to amend behavior that we find distressing. They are available and show up for the relationship. We feel good in being around them. With our natural partner, we are able to maintain our identity while having the room to get and give the nurturing we need within the partnership.

  Going through this process helps us to find the knowledge of our natural partner. Once we know what we need in partner, we then practice being the lover we need in order to attract our natural life-mate. With time and practice we begin to embody the qualities of our natural partner. We start to love ourselves as we want our natural partner to love us. Then we find that there are many people who fit our description. A loving individual is out there waiting for us; doing this work brings us closer to lovingly throwing our arms around them.

  Today I attract someone who reflects my self-love, my natural partner.

  Day 179

  Alignment

  I align my thinking with my desires.

  “You are your only master, who else?”―The Buddha

  When our backs get out of whack, we go to a chiropractor; when our tires need rotating, we go to a mechanic; when we need a job, we go to a recruiter. Connecting with the unavailable type is about being out of whack; there is a disconnection between our thinking and our desires. We convince ourselves with our mind to ignore our partnership desires in order to control the alignment; however, this never works.

  Healing our relationship issues is about honesty and courage, taking the appropriate actions to get closer to the integral helper inside of us who doesn’t need to control anything. To fully honor our own desires means to accept what we want in a partner. Then once we accept our own needs, we reach true alignment in love.

  Today I go to the master, my Self, in order to align what I think to what I desire.

  Day 180

  Nurturing

  I choose people who nurture me. I do it for fun.

  Choosing a partner who is nurturing takes a real commitment for us. We may be so used to being neglected and/or abused that the idea of letting in a person who is kind and considerate seems like an impossible ideal for us.

  The more we affirm that we love to connect with nurturing people, though, the more that will progressively become true. The more practice we get pretending that we are attracted to those who nurture us, the more we will naturally be attracted to those types of people. Today we know that “acting as if” we are attracted to loving, non-abusive individuals puts us on the road to healing.

  As we get our experience choosing available, non-abusive people, we see that it feels good to be with someone who loves us. Every one of us deserves love and nurturing. The wonderful news is that there are many potential partners out there who want to love a woman just like us.

  Today I “act as if” I love to connect with nurturing people.

  Day 181

  Competition with Other People

  I refrain from competing with other people.

  “My partner was a sprinkler-head, checking out other women all the time; and I just couldn’t deal with it.”―Kara

  We deserve a person who appropriately gives us their attention; however, we often choose people who flirt with other people. We may choose these individuals because we believe there is a scarcity of quality partners available to us; we figure we have to endure this type of treatment. But this is not true!

  If we feel mammoth jealousy, envy, or fear when we are with our partner, we are being signaled that our partner is not treating us as we want. It is important to notice our feelings when we are out with our partner. Does this mean we will never get jealous? No. But to get important information about how we experience potential partners, we must practice being around others with them.

  We may not be able to engage with a potential partner and other attractive individuals at first because it may be too scary. That is fine. Wherever we are is OK. However, now we know that we get a lot of information about a person when we do. Even though it is terrifying, soon we see that people who are available to us can have “eyes for us” while being polite to others. No matter what happens, today we investigate without fear.

  Today I choose a person who has eyes for me and treats other attractive people with interest and respect.

  Chapter Summary:

  At this point you are getting much better at identifying signs of emotional unavailability in others. You have a solid list of characteristics that are red flags. Your awareness is heightened when you date; you are learning to trust your own instincts. You are also starting to notice how you have pushed away available individuals in the past. Just remember to be kind to yourself. You are in exactly the right place. An emotionally available partner is waiting for you.

  To conclude your work in this chapter, pick one person you have interacted with this month. Write a list of 3 characteristics that suggests they are available. Identify 2 people from your past who were unavailable. Make a list of the red flags they displayed. Imagine what an emotionally available partner would look like. (Imagine the physical, mental, and financial characteristics of your ideal mate.) Make a drawing of this person if you like. Place it somewhere where you will see it every day. Affirm that this person is waiting for you.

  Now whenever you meet someone new, determine their availability quotient. Just remember that no one will be 100% available; 80% is just fine. You also need only be 80% available. Having balanced expectations of yourself and of others is essential for moving on in this process because the next chapter deals with the tough stuff: facing challenges, dealing with feelings, and surrendering control. Balance comes in handy as you move deeper into emotional maturity.

  Phase II Summary:

  Congratulations on finishing Phase II! You have made wonderful progress so far. You have come a long way. During this phase, you have gained an essential understanding of other people. You are ready to let in the love of an emotionally available partner.

  At this point, however, you may feel that you are dating more unavailable people than ever. You might worry that you will never be able to truly love someone. You may wonder if you will ever be able to stay present with an available person. Do not worry! You are doing very well. Perhaps you are just more aware of your attraction to the unavailable type now. Maybe you are just seeing your patterns of relating more clearly since you are less “foggy.” No matter where you are, trust yourself. You are in the perfect spot for healing your partnership issues.

  Now that you are done with Phase II, you face the major challenge of Phase III—fully growing into an emotionally mature adult. This is tough. For years, you may have been labeling your partners as the ones with the problem. (I know that I did.) To heal, learning to handle love’s challenges with grace is essential. Dealing with rejection, despair, grief, and pain with maturity can be done. The next chapter guides you through.

  Phase I II

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  Emotional Maturity

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  Rejection, Grief, and

  Other Challenges

  Chapter 7 will assist you in dealing with the major challenges of emotional loving. Covering everything from rejection, shame, loneliness, and grief to fear of your biological clock, this chapter addresses the challenges of your journey. Even though this chapter deals with the hard stuff, each day is moving you deeper into emotional maturity and true love. Move forward with courage!

  Day 182

  Coping with Rejection

  I know that rejection is not personal.

  “When I meet a pretty girl and beg her: “Be so good as to come with me,” and she walks past without a word, this is what she means to say: “You are no Duke with a famous name” But I see no
gentleman escorting you...yet you smile.... ”Yes, we are both in the right, and to keep us from being irrevocably aware of it, hadn’t we better go our separate ways home?”―Franz Kafka

  Rejection is not personal: that is the most important thing about rejection. Many of us have rejected someone we later grew to admire—then we have chided ourselves for letting them get away! Other people often experience the same situation.

  Everyone gets rejected. Rejection is based on so little—simply our perceptions at that moment. Both men and women get rejected; that is simply a law of nature.

  Today let’s release our fear of rejection and experience all that life has to offer. Today we no longer need to send mixed messages or go our separate ways home with a potential partner. Even if they are not a Duke, we may kiss a frog and find a Prince.

  I release my fear of rejection today and I experience life.

  Day 183

  Fear of Loss

  I am willing to walk through my fear of loss.

  “I am willing to be willing to be willing.”―Charmaign Looper

  Loss scares all of us silly. We have lost relationships, loved ones, and possessions. Life is full of loss. The thought of losing can immobilize everyone. For us, walking through our fear of loss takes tremendous courage. We have seen relationships slip away several times in our lives. Many of us have had to endure major heartbreaks.

  Emotionally available people know they must take the risk of losing. Emotional availability means opening ourselves up to the possibility of not being able to maintain a partnership. We have survived all the losses in our past; chances are we will survive any other losses that may occur in our future. One day at a time, using the key of willingness, we surrender our fears of loss.